GEORGE VERN ELLISON

She Never Said Goodbye is the story of Sara's struggle with Alzheimer's and my struggle in my role of taking care of her. Sara is my beloved wife of thirty-seven years. She seldom speaks now, and then, just two or three words. Yet with her contribution of the letters and scrapbooks she kept of our lives through the years, it's almost as if my Sara is telling our story right along with me. Years ago, when I realized something was terribly wrong, I began taking notes on 3 x 5 cards to document the strange events happening in our life together. The woman I was married to, who had raised our children with me, seemed to disappear.

She never said goodbye.

        Throughout the day, Sara claps her hands in front of her or on her body. Sometimes I think she's playing "patty cake, patty cake," a favorite game she played years ago with our children.

        Although Alzheimer's is a disease that's usually equated with the elderly, there are a few early-onset cases like Sara's. The elderly often come down with the disease so late in life they rarely go through all the symptoms equated with Alzheimer's. They die of other age-related maladies, therefore there aren't a lot of case studies available showing all the stages and symptoms that people with Alzheimer's progress through. This documentation, contains several years discovery of what Alzheimer's can mean to a family whose wife and mother slowly disappears into an abyss from which there is no return. Sara was only in her early fifties when she became confused, depressed, and started losing her memory. Today, as we begin this century, Sara is sixty-four. I've purposely left in some of the maddening repetition of events and dialogs in the hope you might get the feeling for what the disease does to someone's mind and the effect it could have on you if you are trying to care for the one you love.

        She Never Said Goodbye is about Alzheimer's, it is also the story of how my unconditional love for Sara did not end as her mind began to shut down. My love has continued, with an emphasis on our vows of "in sickness and in health." To continue the closeness that we had throughout the years, I have discovered other aspects of Sara--her feelings and spiritual presence. I continue to document Sara's life, writing my observations on the back of cards I carry in my pocket. My life has been one of service, with twenty years in the Marine Corps and another seventeen teaching in the California Community College system. I know Sara would also like to continue to help others, even in her condition. She spent most of her life, even while raising our children, helping others as a compulsive, compassionate, professional volunteer. She drove the elderly on shopping trips and to medical appointments, taught children to read, babysat, and participated in endless school activities and volunteer organizations.

        I hope that by sharing the experiences we went through, it may help other people avoid some of the mistakes we made due to being unprepared and uninformed. Even the word Alzheimer’s wasn’t used when we started our journey. Today Alzheimer’s disease is the fourth leading cause of death among adults after heart disease, cancer, and strokes. Unlike the other diseases that can be identified by simple diagnostic tests, Alzheimer’s, particularly in its very early stages, often remains a mystery to those with and around it. You read heartwarming stories of people who recover from strokes, live happy lives after heart surgery, or beat cancer. But when faced with the less fashionable killer, Alzheimer’s, you have to sadly come to terms with the knowledge that right now there is no recovery, no turning back, and no hope. It’s a disease that presently has no cure. Dealing with facts as harsh as these are, is emotionally devastating. How can one cope with something that has no solution?

        The research on Alzheimer’s is really just beginning. Just since I’ve been writing this book, new scientific discoveries have been made. Still, these early breakthroughs deal with only how to delay the onset of the disease or to help those with early symptoms. No cures as yet! If your loved one is diagnosed, you will need to learn a whole new world of information. To do that, you could find yourself spending enormous sums on doctors, lawyers, counselors, educational seminars, and financial advisors. This is money you’re going to need for your loved one’s care—or your own.

        Hopefully this book will be helpful as I’ve written about the challenges we went through: discovery, medical intervention and evaluation, research, legal considerations, financial ramifications, and the continual decision making I had to deal with in facing the declining health of my Sara. In writing this story, I’ve carefully changed most names and places to respect the privacy of those involved. Alzheimer’s is a long-term disease, sometimes dragging on for as long as twenty years before death releases the spirit. This book does not end our situation. I must admit that I wrote this book to restore and maintain my own sanity, as well inform others of the struggle. As I reviewed our lives, I was able to remember the happier, more fulfilling times we shared together.